Happy Mother's Day

I had a student a year and a half ago who got pregnant. She was excited and when she told me the news, I could only show pity. This is a decent student, very capable and would excel if given a nudge in the right direction. I remember that she had asked me, "Aren't you happy for me?" I couldn't even begin to answer that, at the time (she was a sophomore turning into a junior).

Today, she's back in school. She gave birth to her son months ago. She's been a ghost in my classes. She has no labs to speak of and is not on track to pass her classes or graduate on time.

I had a very frank discussion with her today, during Saturday make-up labs. We talked a bit about the issues of living as a single, teen-mother going to school. Unfortunately, she indirectly uses her child as an excuse for her inability to complete her school work and stay on top of things.

She described how I, as an educator, don't understand what she's going through; she described how it's so difficult to stay on top of an extremely needy home life while staying on top of school work that piles up everyday.

I had to explain to her that whether I understand her situation or not is independent of the learning experiences that she has while she is in school. This essentially means that using her son to excuse her from all the work she's missed in recent months doesn't make the standard any easier to achieve. The bar doesn't move for the personal life circumstances of our students.

What's difficult here is that I do understand that her life is difficult. She is living proof of how hard it is to raise a child by herself and go to school during the day. But it is not in my place nor is it appropriate for me to alleviate the issues she has at home as a result of her pregnancy (what can I do about that aside from offer counseling and tutoring outside of school?).

My biggest fear for her is that ultimately, she may end up raising her child with the resentment that she could have been something more if she didn't get pregnant as a teenager. I fear that she may blame her child for keeping her from achieving her life goals. I hope that her emotional tolerance will stand up to the expectations that we have for her as a student, as well as the expectations that her son has on her as his mother.

You may wonder why I would describe such a situation for Mother's Day. Even if you were raised in the burbs or lived a privileged life everybody has a mother who at some point in their lives will ask themselves if things will work out in the long run. Whether or not they do is a testament to the commitment of not just you as their children, but to them as your primary care-giver. They may never admit it, but to understand that to raise you to become what you are today was a huge pain in their ass (in some capacity), is something you have to appreciate. I know I do.

I hope everybody has a wonderful Mother's Day weekend!